Two Cookies
This was written with my Thursday night group. There were many prompts as usual, but I only used two: the story of two cookies and dumbass pandemic
During what was later dubbed the “Pandemic of Human Dumbassery” the denizens of the forest held a contest to see which of the animals might be best suited to take over from the humans as the dominant species on Planet Earth. There were long discussions on what might be the best indicator of leadership. Some animals—most notably the cheetahs—felt speed was most important. Cougars suggested hunting skills. Vultures and hyenas voted for neatness. Wolves agreed these all were necessary, but only as adjuncts to the greater skills needed to provide sustenance and cohesion to a social pack.
It was the crows who came up with the idea to hold a story telling contest. “We must back animals who will pass down our culture, our values, our love of clean water, air, and the protection of valuable assets like trees, precious stones, and vegetation,” Mother Crow pontificated. She was careful to mention nothing about her own species penchant for feeding on human garbage. She herself had spent her youth nesting in a tree between a McDonald’s and a Taco Bell. Those were some good times! But she was older now, and had worked hard to be a good role model model to her many grandchildren.
The morning of the contest, Mother Crow felt like a tree shedding her leaves as many of her molting black fathers scattered in the meadow where the creek meandered toward the river. It was a time of release, of passing down, relinquishing control. She knew the predators would dominate any competition. A lion, a wolf, or a bear would most likely claim dominion by the end of the day. She wondered how her family would fare under their influence. Still there remained hope that a gentler voice might prevail.
At noon when the sun was highest in the sky the animals gathered at a clearing near the confluence of two rivers. Mother Crow took the speaker’s rock and told “The Story of Two Cookies.”
When the human girls were young, they learned to make two cookies: one with chocolate and mint, and the other with short bread and lemon. One cookie was eaten with coffee. The other was eaten with tea.
A young woman name Juliette Gordon Lowe taught the girls to sell the cookies. They went door to door and the cookies smelled so good, no one could resist. The women of the world became very rich.
But now a time is coming when women must be very crafty. We crows urge human women to alter their cookie recipes ever so subtly by adding a little lavender perhaps, or maybe a pinch of chamomile flower—or wait a minute!—how bout some crushed Ativan, or a hefty helping of Cannabis? This will make the men very mellow. Your men won’t care about war and guns and fighting anymore. They’ll just want to eat cookies and watch soccer and basketball on TV. In this way, you human women will not only become rich, but also powerful.
Heed my words, once you women are in charge, the Dumbassery Pandemic will come to a hasty end. There’ll be no more bullying of people who appear to be different, because all women, no matter our species, understand that we are One Divine Essence. As long as we keep those men of yours fat on cookies, all will be well, and no one will have anything to fear.
At the conclusion of the story, the animals laughed and whooped and shouted for joy. They realized Mother Crow was right: helping human women would be the quickest way to resolve so many of the planet’s problems. They agreed to do all they could to bring women to power.
That’s why today you will see crows following the so-called male leaders of Earth. Watch—when a president comes outside, his hair wi ll be snatched for nesting material, and his suit jacket will be sprayed with bird shit. Root for the birds! Cheer them on when they dump on his head! Shout out your approval! Say, “Drill, Baby, Drill!”
Photo by Steve Smith on Unsplash
